Marry me, marry me not!

Betty Warren: Not all who wander are aimless. Especially not those who seek truth beyond tradition, beyond definition, beyond the image. - Monalisa Smile

We have all been there. Done that. Crossed over and made sure we've hit our scores. But where must we go? What must we do? What would be the right thing to indulge in?

A very long time back, I have made my choices. From a conservative mindbank to a bohemian brought-up. There was a time, when it was all ambition, all dreams and all modern mirages. I was a small town girl, with no more than a good education, a nice school and college pedigree and a nice tight bank balance. Marriage was an option, but the pressure almost made it look like it's the only remedy. The only remedy to my life. There were careless whispers, the most nerve racking fights and the societal obligations that used to form unseen blocks on the road.

And then there are my classmates. In school, they were modern hypocracies- as if they were raised to meet the demands of the husband in impeccable english. Shakespeare and Camus were mild spectators to the art that was the family maker. In college, we had T.S.Elliot, Poetry and Nietzche, an almost aphrodisiac to an extra good conversation on a late night while courting. And there were girls, from popular schools like Sacred Hearts, Yercaud and Lawrence, Ooty along with a pinch of Corpus Christie, Kottayam- all waiting in line, to get married, to cousins, friends and aquaintances from the same colony in their city. Or others with fiances doing their engineering and waiting for visa and green card. All was planned, the education was a time bider, the nuances of chain smoking, a hobby that lasted till the farewell party in the stadium.

And there we were, the batch of 2002, in a mild feminism class on the far end of the main block, trying to redefine our lives. I can't tell, really. It wasn't that feminism class, nor was it the urgent requirement of the theory of the modern woman. It was my head. By all means I meant to marry, have kids, make dosa with that tangy chutney for my family on a sunday morning. But I was adamant. I wanted to go back to work on monday 9 am sharp. And I believed in financial independence and making a life i can look back and smile at. I believed in circumstances and not societal obligations that would put an end to my desire to stay on top of the economic route.

Many said that I have made bad choices, others smirked at the fact that I was single while women my age had babies to show. I was sidelined in conversations in family functions. My folks had excuses to give, "Oh, she wants to study" or "Well, she decided to work for a bit" underneath that fallacy of a 'good time'. And to top it off, I dated bad men. I could never ask for commitment until it went out of my hand. I made huge mistakes, I thought commitment was for ninnies, until it hit me right back on a bad day. I had to take some uncalled for decisions, I was to blame as much. But let me not digress. My friends are still in the loop hole. They are smart, young strapping women with a masters degree, a poised smile and much to show as good writing as much as making good dal on yummy ghee rice. Infact we want men in our own way, not for society nor for a 25-but-not-married nameboard. We are as good as it can get. And a tad better because of the choices that we have made.

Today I watched this real nice movie called Monalisa Smile, one I could never fathom as to be deep and logical. And then it struck me, that I waited for my own good. Now as I set out to marry, I'm glad I am making a choice from my heart. No pressure, no limitaions and absolutely not settling for my age or family.

Maybe we will marry, maybe we won't....but what sets us apart from the conformists is the fact that we own our minds. And we definitely have not bid time till we find 'that' match. And now, as many people look upon me, and gasp "finally!", I can smile in the knowledge that nothing about me has compromised. And nothing can be different, even if I was single. Only now, I have decided to love someone really nice, forever!
-Blue Roses